So Queer
by rainbowsindecember
Summary: What do hormonal teenage boys talk about? Random conversations among the SD cast.
1. Chapter 1: Blondes, Brunettes, Redheads

**Chapter 1**

**Blondes, Brunettes, Redheads**

* * *

**Shohoku High School**

**Basketball Team Locker Room**

* * *

"My life is so unfair. I could just _die_ right now, and she wouldn't care."

"Hey, that rhymes! Unfair, care, geddit?"

"Shut up, Ryochin. You don't understand the pain this genius has to feel, how much suffering…"

"Don't be daft. So Haruko didn't come today. She's busy. Simple."

"Easy for you. Ayako _has_ to be here all the time."

"Girl trouble, boys?"

"None of your business, Micchy. You don't understand the pain this genius has to fee–"

"You're repeating yourself, 'ahou."

"Butt out, kitsune! What do you know, you're probably gay. All you do is sleep and play basketball when you have a whole brigade of girls dying to date you."

"I'm not gay. Do'ahou."

"Really, Rukawa? 'Cause I kinda figured you were."

"I agree with Mitsui."

Rukawa Kaede glared at his team-mates as they peered at him curiously.

"I'm _not_ gay," Rukawa repeated vehemently.

Mitsui Hisashi snorted a little, then had the decency to look mildly contrite.

"Sorry, sorry … But Sakuragi has a point. You have a hundred and one fangirls screaming your name, disrupting practice, and you don't even look at them. Some of them are pretty hot, too."

"Not to mention his lily-white skin, his kitsune girly face, his skinny body…"

"**Do'ahou.** I have _muscles_. Bigger than yours, too."

"It's Sendoh, right?"

Rukawa blinked at Miyagi Ryota. "Um, what?"

"It's Sendoh you're secretly having an affair with. That's why you like playing with him so much!"

"I'm not gay!" Rukawa almost screamed with frustration.

Three pairs of eyes blinked.

"Prove it." "Prove it." "Prove it."

Three voices raised in a chorus.

"How?" Rukawa snapped.

"What type of girl do you like?"

Blink. Blink. Blink. "I don't know."

"See, that's why we think you're g–"

"Say it one more time, and you're dead."

"I like brunettes. Pretty and nice ones. Like Aya-chan," Miyagi interjected dreamily.

"Me, too. But more like Haruko-san. So sweet and kind." Sakuragi had loopy heart eyes.

Mitsui grinned. "I'm up for anything. But redheads, aww man … They just have this fire, you know? And they can do amazing things with their mou–"

"Eww, too much info, Micchy!"

"Yeah man, you're such a pervert."

"Not my fault you guys can't get any," Mitsui drawled.

Silence.

"So, Rukawa, what kind of girl did you say you liked again?"

"He didn't say, Ryochin. That's because the kitsune prefers boys."

"No, I **don't**."

"Liar. That's why you joined basketball. So you can share a locker room with all the team members – watch us change, bathe–"

"Ugh, sick. What if he rapes us halfway? I vote him out of the loc–"

"I like blondes, okay?! I like brunettes, I like redheads, I like them all! I just haven't found one I really like yet!"

"Oh, wow. That's the most I've heard him speak."

Three heads nodded vigorously.

"Okay, Rukawa, you've proven that you're not gay. We were just teasing you. Chill."

Rukawa huffed and strode out of the locker room, but before the door swung shut, his sharp ears caught the muffled laughter and the whisper.

"Denial."

* * *

"Err, Akagi … I don't think we can have practice today."

"Hmm? Why not, Kogure?"

"It seems the entire starting line-up, excluding you, of course, is injured."

"_What? _Did those stupid gangsters try to make trouble again?"

"Actually, no. From what I gathered, Sakuragi, Rukawa, Mitsui and Miyagi got into an argument and had a huge brawl…"

"Those idiots. What did they fight over this time?"

"Apparently, they were talking about girls. One thing led to another, and Rukawa felt the need to defend his manhood when they assumed he was gay…"

"Oh."

"Yep."

Silence.

Akagi Takenori cracks his knuckles.

Kogure Kiminobu adjusts his glasses.

"Isn't he?"

"I thought he was, too."

END

* * *

AN: My first humour fic! HAHA. Poor Rukawa. This is really, really crappy, but I needed some light-hearted stuff after all the angsty nonsense I wrote. Don't like it, fine by me. I never was good at writing funny anyway:)


	2. Chapter 2: When Life Gives You Lemons

**Chapter 2**

**When Life Gives You Lemons...**

* * *

**Ryonan High School**

**Gymnasium**

* * *

"**WHERE**** IS THAT BOY?!"**

"Calm down, Captain, I'm sure he'll be here soon…"

"Yeah, it's only been 20 minutes so far, Uozumi."

"Maybe he's fishing and lost track of time (again) …"

"Fishing? **FISHING?** You mean all he does is sit and stare at the water waiting for some stupid fish to bite?"

"My notes … Hmm, let's see … Yes, yes, fishing … Sendoh-san fishes at Sagami River, since it is convenient. Senpai favours fly fishing, and tends to use wet flies as bait; although he does say he uses worms once a while, and even leftover stale bre–"

"Hikoichi, I could care less if Sendoh uses flies, worms, bread, or even those bloody lemons he's always sucking on like a baby's pacifier! All I want to know now is why he isn't here when we have a friendly against Shohoku High tomorrow!"

"Hey, I wonder if they're better now than the last time we were up against them…"

"It was really tight, that game … 87-86. And we almost lost too, eh Uekusa?"

"I thought we were done for sure, Kosh."

"Luckily, Sendoh made the toss right under Akagi's armpit just before the whistle blew. It was such a close finish."

Ikegami Ryoji knitted his eyebrows.

"Sendoh really enjoyed that match, didn't he?"

Murmurs of assent from the Ryonan Basketball Club.

"Especially when playing against that number 10. Man, what a loud-mouth," Koshino Hiroaki glowered, recalling the obnoxious redhead.

"Hah! That was nothing compared to when he was up against Shohoku's new ace."

"Um, who?"

"Sorry, we forgot you weren't there, Fukuda. Anyway, this guy's name is Rukawa Kaede and his skill is just – wow! First time I've seen a freshie play so well – except when Sendoh first joined, of course."

"It was unbelievable! _Unberievabruia!_ Sendoh-senpai had this fire in his eyes, like he was burning up … Like he could just hunt Rukawa down and eat him up!"

"And spit him out."

"And gobble him back up again."

"The looks they gave each other were so _intense_…"

"There were definitely sparks flying between those two…"

Silence.

Fukuda lifted an eyebrow.

Koshino cleared his throat.

Uozumi's left eye twitched.

Ikegami coughed.

"Say, Kosh … Sendoh is um, well … He's got a girlfriend, right?"

"Uhh … Actually, he doesn't. Said he can't be bothered. I think his exact words were, 'I'd rather play b-ball with the guys'."

More silence.

Uekusa Tomoyuki and Aida Hikoichi gaped.

"C-Could it be…"

"No. Way."

"Anything's possible…"

"But this is _Sendoh_! He's got fangirls and all – even your sister likes him!"

"Doesn't matter if they like him or not. The real question is, does he like them back?"

The team members stared at each other.

"So you're saying he's _gay_?"

"Well, he leers – I mean, smiles – a lot for no reason … Mostly at the boys…"

"Plus he's got this flawlessly milky skin, large eyes, lush eyelashes…"

"He's a vainpot – c'mon, look at that _hair_. Takes a lot of time to get it that way…"

"He keeps suggestively sucking on those damn lemons, like it's supposed to be a turn-on…"

"AND he's got the hots for that Rukawa fellow."

"W-What if he falls in love with one of us, too?"

There was a collective gulp.

"Now I know why Sendoh adores his boxers with the bright pink hearts." Uozumi's voice was unnaturally faint.

* * *

**10 minutes later****…**

The gymnasium doors slid open with a loud _BANG_.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Sorry, Tao– Oh, he's not here, thank goodness."

The rest of the team were wary as Sendoh Akira emerged, panting heavily.

"I'm so _thirsty_ … Hikoichi, would you mind passing me the water, please?"

Aida turned pale, but he wordlessly handed a bottle to Sendoh, who immediately flashed a winning smile.

"Oh, I _love_ you, Hikoichi! Thank you; you're an absolute _darling_!"

The small first year squeaked.

Then fainted.

Sendoh blinked.

"What did I say??"

END

* * *

AN: Yes, this story WAS supposed to be a Rukawa one-shot, but this was just too fun to write. I guess it is now probably a series of one-shots which are slightly connected. Thanks to all who reviewed:) And I hope you enjoyed this.


	3. Chapter 3: Sour Lemons & Sour Milk

**Chapter 3**

**Sour Lemons & Sour Milk**

* * *

**Kanagawa Prefecture**

**A park between Ryonan and Shohoku High**

* * *

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

"You're late."

"I know," pant, pant, "I know; I'm sorry."

"Tch. That's what you say every time."

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

Grin. "I'll kick your ass today, though."

Snort. "Not bloody likely."

Dribble, lay-up, score.

"Good one."

"Hn."

"But not good enough!"

Grab, jump, slam dunk.

"_Kuso._ That was a foul. You hit my hand."

"No, I didn't. Sore loser."

"Cheater."

Sendoh Akira made a noise of fake outrage.

Rukawa Kaede glared.

"Why do I bother playing against you every Saturday?"

"Because you know I'm one of the best," Sendoh smirked.

Rukawa shook his head. "We beat you guys just yesterday. Do'ahou."

"So we've moved on to pet names? Sakuragi won't be pleased you're using his special one."

Rukawa looked murderous.

"That stupid redhead? He can go chop himself into little pieces and drown in the sea. Better yet, use him as fish bait, why don't you?"

"Ookay, definitely more animosity than usual. What did he do this time?"

'_Butt out, kitsune! What do you know, you're probably gay. All you do is sleep and play basketball when you have a whole brigade of girls dying to date you.'_

"Nothing."

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

_Swoosh._

"Nice. So, Rukawa, the boys said some weird things to me the other day."

"Do I look like I care?"

"You should. It's about you, too."

"What, Ryonan basketball team's finally realised I'm better than you are?"

"Very funny. No, actually, they think I'm gay."

Rukawa snorted and spun the basketball on his finger. "Not surprising."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"You're just so … so …_ gay._ You're the 'I'm-so-cuddly-and-adorable-all-the-bunnies-and-hedgehogs-love-me' type of person."

Sendoh beamed. "Ahh, so I _am_ cuddly and adorable. Aww, you're sweet, Kae-chan."

"Urgh. See? There you go, beaming out that gay vibe like a broadcast satellite. And don't call me Kae-chan. That's gross."

Pout. "It's cute."

"_No_, it's not."

Sendoh abruptly changed the topic. "You're gayer than I am, though."

"Oh, wow, I didn't know there was a meter indicator flashing on my forehead."

"Stop that stupid sarcasm of yours. No wonder you keep getting into fistfights. Or is that just your excuse to get up close and personal?"

Glare. "Do'ahou. I'm not gay."

"Because really, you have more fangirls than I do, screaming your name, disrupting games, and you don't even–"

'…_look at them'. Stupid Mitsui._

"–look at them," Sendoh continued cheerily, oblivious to Rukawa's scowl. "Some of them are–"

'…_pretty hot, too'. Stupid, stupid Mitsui._

"–pretty hot, too. At least _I_ glance at them once in awhile. And if one of them is really pretty, I might take her out on a date. No going steady though; girlfriends are too much trouble."

_Again, who gives a shit (other than the dumbasses) about _girls_? They don't look like something I'd want to touch, like say, basketballs._

Rukawa snarled as he recalled thrashing Sakuragi, Miyagi and Mitsui for daring to call him a fag. With some satisfaction, he remembered that Sakuragi still sported a gauze bandage around his shocking red head, Miyagi's muffin hair was completely wrecked, and Mitsui's dentures were chipped in a corner.

Sendoh winked. "So you're definitely 100 percent more gay than I am."

"Whatever. You're the one who keeps smiling at me, like you want to just jump me."

Sendoh lifted an eyebrow. "I smile because I'm happy. It's a beautiful day, I'm playing the greatest sport ever invented and it's not even lunch yet. Not because I want to jump you, although you _are_ such a pretty boy."

"Speak for yourself. You have _dimples_, for god's sake, and eyelashes longer than a girl's. And your hair must take ages to do. What straight guy takes so much care of himself?"

Sendoh tapped his chin. "Funny. That's what the boys said, too. That, and something about my boxers…"

Grunt. "So you _are_ gay."

Blink. "I don't know."

Silence.

_Thump._

"Okay, okay, I'm not gay, per se. I like girls. I like them in all the beautiful, different colours. Black, white, yellow, brown. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and whatever they've dyed their hair to."

Sendoh shrugged. "But I _am_ curious what it's like on the other side."

Rukawa choked. Sendoh thumped his back.

"Aren't you curious, too? I mean, why restrict yourself to a couple of slices when you can have the whole cake?" Sendoh continued nonchalantly.

"I can't believe you're saying this. I can't believe that you're actually making sense saying this," Rukawa muttered, rubbing his temples.

Sendoh grinned. "So you think you could swing both ways?"

Silence.

"Actually, I don't know," Rukawa confessed. "I really haven't um, done anything with anyone. Never felt any uhh, _spark_, is that what you call it?"

"Hmm … Wanna try?"

Choke. Sputter. Gasp.

"**WHAT?!"**

"Just an experiment. Just to make sure," Sendoh said soothingly.

"How do you propose we do _that_?"

"We kiss, of course. Don't tell me you've never kissed anyone before."

Blink. "I haven't."

Blink. "Wow." Blink. Blink. "Okay. I'll try to make it good, then."

"Thank you so much for your kind understanding. I'm sitting at a park with Sendoh Akira and he wants to give me my first kiss. Why in god's name is this happening to me?"

"Shut up. Your mouth's too clever for its own good. Are you going to let me kiss you, or not?"

"Argh. Hurry up already; let's get this over with."

"Okay."

Silence.

More silence.

And then–

"**ACKK!** **BLEARGH! **Eww, eww, eww, eww, **EEW**! That was just too WEIRD. I can't take this; I'm going to wash my mouth out now…"

Rukawa wiped his mouth, glaring at Sendoh as he guzzled down a bottle of water.

"You're a fine one to talk. That was _disgusting_. That wasn't a kiss, that was _slobber_. At least I only drool in my sleep."

Sendoh spat. "Ptuuiii. Remind me that I'm not gay if I ever question my orientation again. And that I happen to like _breasts_, not chest."

"Okay. You're not gay. Thankfully, neither am I. You're too tall, for one. And you smell like sweat. AND you taste like sour lemons. I think a girl would be better."

Sendoh looked miffed. "Well, you taste like sour milk. Must be all that leftover drool."

"Tch."

Rukawa walked over to the forgotten basketball and picked it up.

"Now that we're done with your dumb experiment, are we going to play, or what?"

Sendoh smirked.

"Bring it, Rukawa."

* * *

"Oh. My. GOD. Did you _see_ that, Yohei?"

"I did, Chuichiro, and I never want to see it again for as long as I live."

"I feel ill. And it's not because I had three bento sets either."

"You're a pig, Nozomi. Next time we go out, I'll remind you of what we just saw so that you'll lose your appetite. Then maybe you'll be skinny."

"Bastard. I'm just big-boned. I'm a growing boy; I need my food."

"Don't worry, I'll just show him the photos and he'll throw up."

Blink. Blink. Blink.

"You took _photos_? Of that–that _kiss_? Yuji, you liar, you don't own a camera."

"I don't, but my new cellphone does. See?"

Sakuragi's gundan gathered around to peer at the pictures.

"Who would've thought, eh? Sendoh and Rukawa. My, a lot of girls are going to be devastated. I guess Hanamichi was right after all."

Silence.

"Now, let's get out of here before they find us hiding."

The bushes rustled.

Then–

"Hey, Yuji … I don't suppose you can send pictures with that, can you?"

END

* * *

AN: Haha, this was rather longer than expected. What next, I wonder;) Leave me comments if you feel I should improve anything, alrighty:)


	4. Chapter 4: Sun, Sea, Sand & Surf

**Chapter 4**

**Sun, Sea, Sand & Surf**

* * *

**Kanagawa Prefecture**

**Beach**

* * *

"My god. My God. MY GOD!"

"Shoot, Ken, the waves aren't that high. I can't believe you're such a chicken."

"I wasn't talking about surfing, Shin!"

"Oh, yeah? Last time we were here, you barfed your lunch when the wave bore down on you. I'm simply assuming you might do the same, logically speaking."

"You can take your assumptions and logic and shove it up your–"

"Kidding, Kenji. So what's got you exclaiming like you're about to ejaculate?"

Fujima Kenji's stare was bemused. "You know, sometimes I wonder at the perversities of your mind."

Maki Shinichi snorted. "Come off it. We're 18, what have we _not_ heard of before? I don't see the need to censor my words."

Cough. "You, 18? More like 28, if you ask me…"

Splutter. "I _wasn't _asking. Maybe it's the tan; I don't really look _that_ old."

"Whatever. Keep fooling yourself, old ma–"

"You were about to tell me something," Maki cut in sullenly.

"Oh, shit…okay. I got this message from Toru…"

"That Hanagata guy? He's finally confessed to crushing on you?"

Fujima kicked sand at Maki. "Don't be stupid. It's not like that."

"Err, right. So what did he say?"

"It's not what he said, actually. It was more like what he showed me," Fujima muttered, his face turning slightly green again.

"Which was…?"

Fujima's face was pleading. "Shin, you're my friend – at least off-court. We've known each other since we were 6–"

Maki broke into a grin. "You mean, when that bully tried to steal your basketball and I beat him up for you?"

Fujima glowered. "_Anyway_, trust me when I say you really don't wanna know."

Maki made a sound of impatience. "Kenji, believe me when I say I don't think what you saw is as bad as you say."

"It IS."

"Chicken."

Silence.

Then–

"Fine. Don't say I didn't warn you." Fujima handed his cellphone to Maki.

More silence.

Then–

"**Ohmyfuckinggodareyoufuckingseriouswhatthefuckisthis?!"**

Fujima shrugged. "I told you it was bad."

It was Maki's turn to go green this time. "Where in the hell did Hanagata get _these_?"

"Well, Toru said he was accosted by some of the louts who always hang around that Sakuragi guy. They offered him some ahem, interesting pictures of the Shohoku and Ryonan aces. Toru, being Toru, thought it was going to be – cough – strategy plays we could use against them."

"STRATEGY?! Do pictures of Rukawa and Sendoh _kissing_ count as strategy?!"

Fujima smiled weakly. "It was a really _intense_ kiss."

"Hell, yeah, it was intense all right! Sendoh looks like his tongue got stuck down Rukawa's throa–"

"Okay, enough with the imagery! I'm trying to say…" Fujima paused meaningfully, "…maybe we could use this."

"Uhh, how? Sell 'em to the cover of 'Gay Basketballers Monthly'? Hey–" Maki was thoughtful as he considered the option, "–good thinking, Kenji. That would definitely earn us some serious cash."

"No, NO! That wasn't what I was saying! I mean, we could use their feelings for each other against them."

Maki stared. "That would be absolutely mean and cruel."

Fujima's face fell. "It is, isn't it? Forget it, I don't know why I even–"

"But utterly brilliant! You are such a _genius_! Now I know why they appointed you as coach! See, beneath your girlish good looks, feminine tendencies and questionable orientation, there beats the heart of a master strategist!"

Fujima's eyes bulged. "What girlish looks? WHAT feminine tendencies? WHAT QUESTIONABLE ORIENTATION?!"

"Ken, calm down. There's nothing wrong with being a very pretty boy. Nor is there anything wrong about your obsession with plucking every single stray hair off your chin, moustache and armpits."

Fujima's mouth opened and closed but only a strangled sound emerged. "You – you…"

"Look, it's okay, huh? I'm your best friend – well, sort of. So long as you don't pat my butt like how you do the other guys, I'm totally cool," Maki said cheerily.

Snarl. "I'm not gay, Shinichi! I'm more of a man than you are, anytime, any day!"

"Yeah? Prove it," Maki chortled as he handed Fujima a surfboard.

Fujima snatched it away. "Just you watch."

"Remember to bend your knees!" Maki called after Fujima's angry strides.

Ten minutes passed.

Eleven.

"Shit, shit, shit! Kenji, come on, dammit! You idiot, you just _had _to be a show-off…" Maki broke off, panting.

"Ugh, I can't believe I'm doing this..." Maki muttered, pinching Fujima's nostrils shut. Then he pressed his lips to Fujima's and began to blow.

Fujima immediately sputtered. Maki flew at him.

"Don't you ever, _ever_ do that to me again, do you hear? I thought I could've lost you, buddy!"

Blink. "Lost me?"

"Do that stupid stunt again, and I won't be around to save your life," Maki howled, clutching Fujima closer.

Blink. Blink. "Save my life?"

"Of course, you idiot, who do you think did CPR on you?"

Blink. Blink. Blink. "CPR?"

Maki blinked back. "Is there something wrong, Kenji? Oh god, the water did something funny to your brain. You're only repeating everything I say!"

A wide smirk began to spread over Fujima's face.

"Umm, Kenji…?"

A gurgle of laughter sounded. "Shin, you dumbass! I can't believe you call me out on slapping someone's butt – which, mind you, is perfectly normal in the course of a game – only to t-turn around and k-kiss me!"

Maki's eyes bulged. "It was CPR, you asshole! I had to do _something_! I couldn't just let you _die_, could I?"

Nod. "Oh, yes, you couldn't. Of course, it didn't occur to you to check that I was breathing fine, did it?"

"You…were?"

"I was entirely awake and conscious the whole time. Just had the wind knocked out of me when the surfboard hit my stomach, that's all. Just trying to catch my breath and you were practically beating down the gates to kiss me."

Maki choked.

Fujima peered at Maki carefully. "Just in case you don't know, I really don't go for your type, Shinichi. I much prefer the female persuasion, but thanks anyway. Maybe Sendoh or Rukawa could accommodate you…"

"BASTARD!"

* * *

"Look! A cellphone! Lying all alone on the ground!"

"Nobu, drop it. It's not yours; leave it alone."

"Aww, c'mon, senpai. Finders keepers!"

Kiyota Nobunaga happily began tapping on the keypad; then frowned. "Hey, what the hell is this?"

Jin Soichiro squinted. "Holy crap! That looks like Rukawa! And is that – Sendoh?!"

"And they're kissing." Both boys groaned in disgust.

"No way I wanna touch this now," Kiyota muttered, throwing down the cellphone.

Jin grinned. "Told you to leave it alone."

"Whatever. Hey, isn't that Captain over there? With – with–"

"Shoyo's captain. Wonder what they're doing here together."

"Fujima Kenji, right? Bet Captain's got a diabolical plan to squeeze information out of – GAAHHHHHH!!"

"Oh, lord. That can't be–"

"Captain's kissing the guy! OH, GROSS! Now he's hugging him and cuddling him and – and–"

"Hmm…Fujima seems to be enjoying himself. He's smiling, laughing…"

"Now Captain's chasing him around! What the hell is going on?!"

"Maybe they're frolicking in the sands. It's a beautiful day to be out on a date," Jin said thoughtfully.

Kiyota went green. "You know what this means?"

"What, Nobu?"

"All the aces in Kanagawa are officially gay."

END


End file.
